A Long, Lost Friend Returns to Second Life

Shook hands with the Devil, looked him in the eye, looked like a long lost friend.

Van Halen

         My original plans for this week’s story were different than what you’re reading right now.  What I would have written I don’t know because as I was sitting and thinking about this story (Daydreaming is Significant Other’s term.)  I had an interruption.  Maybe “interruption” is a poor choice of words because what happened was that an old friend whom I hadn’t seen in many months suddenly popped up on my online friends list. 

          I quickly IM’d her and we caught up and while doing so I started thinking about how friends come and go in Second Life (SL).  We often see them coming but we rarely see them go until it’s too late and suddenly we realize they haven’t been around for a while.

          That’s what happened here and that’s what I’m writing about this week, long, lost friends inworld. 

          Let’s first talk about why my friend and why she left.  (I won’t identify my friend because I didn’t tell her I was writing this story and also don’t want to be responsible for driving her back out of SL because of curious onlookers driving by gawking at her second life.  I do have some professional ethics. I also don’t want my friends to stop talking to me.) 

          My friend and I met at a mutual friend’s wedding several years ago and afterwards we would hang out inworld when we were in at the same time.  She had an interest in SL photography and her personal portraits are of a very high quality.  She tried her hand raising breedables (meeroos) and had a small business with them for a while.  Bilingual and active in her Real Life’s (RL’s) nation’s inworld community, she had an active social life.  Once upon a time, she had a boyfriend (Not me, she also has standards.)  When I was a noobie, she helped me because that’s what friends do inworld.

          Why did she leave?

          Well, her RL became more active, in a good way.  But, inworld, many of her old friends had just disappeared and she had begun to be bored by SL.  She simply stayed away. 

          (Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not advocating folks abandoning RL for SL.  But, a happy balance isn’t a bad thing.) 

          As her friend, what did this me for me?  I was left with unanswered questions about where a friend had gone.  Admittedly, it took me a while to realize this but I did get there eventually.  (Significant Other nods knowingly as I write this.)  My inworld friend had gone walkabout and I felt a gap or loss. 

          But, what can we do about this inworld when our friends go MIA?  It’s not like we can go down the block and knock on their door, drop by the local pub where they hang out, or call them on their cell as we would in RL. 

          We wonder, maybe worry, about what’s happened to them.  Have they died?  Gotten a magnificent new relationship in RL?  Heaven forbid, wandered off into World of Warcraft?  Maybe developed an online gambling habit?  The mind does wonder.  (I freely admit to an overly developed sense of the dramatic.) 

          What does this mean to the SL community?

          I’ve blogged about friendship and loss inworld before but having one of my own friends involved adds a more personal dimension. 

          People just disappearing for no reason can be disruptive to a community’s social fabric. (Look what happened in the Soviet Union during the Great Purge.)   We become inured to the lack of closure with friendships and relationships.  (I can’t speak for the rest of the RL world but in my country filing a missing person’s report with the police when a friend falls off the radar suddenly and unexpectedly is considered the socially acceptable thing to do at the very minimum and helps with letting go much in the same way as a traditional Irish wake does in the US.)  Uncertainty haunts us more so than in our real lives. 

          But, for now, my friend has returned to SL.  She thinks she’s going to stay for a while.  This is good for everyone.  The community is whole again, or, at least in one corner.  Can SL still offer the challenges and excitement that it once did? 

          Now, will she stay and if so, for how long? 

As always, I’m grateful to all inworld for their kindness and time in stopping to talk with a stranger who was passing through their lives. 

I welcome feedback from readers, please either comment on my blog or e-mail me at webspelunker@gmail.com . 

          If you would like to read about my other adventures in Second Life please click here. 

Social Life in Second Life

 A healthy social life is found only, when in the mirror of each soul the whole community finds its reflection, and when in the whole community the virtue of each one is living.

Rudolf Steiner

          After my last story about friendship in Second Life (SL) I began to think about what things friends do while together in SL.  This led me to start thinking (About this point is where Significant Other starts to worry.) some more about what are these “things” friends do together in SL.  Essentially, it’s a social life isn’t it?

          We have social lives in Real Life (RL) don’t we?  Why not in SL?  (This is where some of my RL friends start saying I’m spending too much time inworld.)  My earlier ruminations about community explored what communities inworld were like and their connections to RL.  So, if we accept communities and friends in SL why can’t we say we have social lives inworld? 

          What is a social life in SL like? 

          I submit that we come together to engage in shared interests, we use words to share the experiences, and we have emotional responses to these interactions just as we do in RL.  Yes, it is virtual.  And, it is anonymous.  How many people in SL use their RL identities?  Not many.  Yet, we’re having social experiences and interactions which, in my opinion, comprise a social life. 

          Do the differences make a difference?  Virtual versus real?  I’m not so sure.  Once upon a time, RL people had relationships for years based on letters sent by ship all over the world.  (Anyone remember pen pals?)  Sometimes they never met.  Sometimes they did and even got married.  I’ve never heard of anyone denying the validity of these relationships or claiming this was a game and not a legitimate social activity.  In essence, this was a social life for the participants or part of a larger one. (In fact, it still is because there are still many pen pals out there.)   

          Does the anonymity of SL make a difference?  Why would it?  Maybe people engage in behaviors inworld that they wouldn’t in RL because of the anonymity.  (Believe me.  I don’t go to nudist functions or BDSM clubs in RL.  I’m not being judgmental. I’d probably be tossed out if I showed up.)   Some researchers believe that this anonymity causes a lack of honesty in virtual relationships which precludes a “real” social life.  I’m not convinced.  As long as all participants accept the rules of engagement (i.e., avatars with fictional names), I don’t think it’s important.  It’s a level playing field for all engaged.   A person’s RL characteristics which may be detrimental to a RL social life don’t have to exist in SL.  (How many morbidly obese avatars have you encountered inworld?)

          One recurring theme I encounter from residents as I travel across the grid is the importance of being sensitive about the feelings of the person behind the avatar.  This is more important than the anonymity of virtual relationships.  If people are treated with dignity and respect inworld then there is a basis for a social life because people feel safe, comfortable, and return for the experience and seek out their friends again. 

          OK, if one accepts that there is a social life in SL, how can one have a social life in SL?  What comprises a social life in RL?  For me (Yes, I do have one in RL which permits me a perspective even if Significant Other does claim my half isn’t holding up its end.)  it’s friends, going to places with them, and doing things with them once you get there.  A social life is spontaneous although some planning doesn’t hurt.  Regularity is also another aspect of a social life. Coming together and having these common experiences. 

          Finally, should one have a social life in SL?  Why not?  Virtual social lives are just another aspect of the Internet age.  A healthy RL social life can only grow with a virtual social life.  From pen pals, we moved onto telephones then chat rooms on bulletin boards, followed by AOL, well, you get the idea.  Aren’t these all just enhancements to what we do in RL? 

          Like anything else in life, whether RL or SL, balance is necessary.  We’ve all heard the anecdotes about guys (Why is always guys?) in basements living on Cheeze Doodles and Jolt soda who only see life via their broadband connection.  But, the advantages when done practically are that we can safely meet people from all over the world and engage in activities not possible for many in RL.  (Get your mind out of the gutter, I’m talking about the music, art, machinima, dance, and other creative pursuits that people engage in when inworld.  Trust me without SL and the Internet, not too many would be reading what I write.) 

          As for the anonymity, maybe we don’t know whom we’re socializing with, but, the checks and balances of virtual worlds protect us.  Inworld, I don’t worry about getting cracked in the head and having my wallet lifted.  Although, I’m told some of the role playing sims do get a little rough.  That aside, we can take risks in SL that wouldn’t be prudent in RL.  For that matter, do we even know whom we’re meeting in RL all the time?  The stakes are a lot higher there. 

          Other social media like Facebook and Twitter enhance the social life experience in SL.  Many residents use these tools to stay in contact with their SL friends like they do their RL ones.  Will we someday see a blurring of the distinction between SL and RL social lives?  Might we one day bring our SL friends together with our RL ones for parties or other social functions?  Think about it.

          In closing, I believe we’re still in the very early stages of SL social lives or any other virtual world.  Rules of conduct and etiquette are still being formulated.  New worlds will arise and old worlds will fall. 

          What’s your social life in SL like?  I’m very interested in hearing from my readers about how they spend their time inworld with their friends.  If I have enough interest maybe we can meet inworld to talk about this in a forum or a panel.  Please send me your thoughts! 

As always, I’m grateful to all for their kindness and time in stopping to talk with a stranger who was passing through their lives.

Below are a few pictures of some of the communities I’ve visited inworld chosen to just show some of SL’s diversity. 

I welcome feedback from readers, please either comment on my blog or e-mail me at webspelunker@gmail.com . 

     If you would like to read about my other adventures in Second Life please click here.

Photo No. 1 Vampyr Empire Landing Pentagram

Photo No. 2 View from Steampunk Airship Tower

Photo No. 3 Luskwood, Furry Sim

Photo No. 4 Lost City of Gothika – Ruins

Photo No. 5 Vampire Wedding Party

Photo No. 6 STEAM: The Hunt!5 – Wrap Party

Photo No. 7 Nowaki

Friendship in Second LIfe

In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.

Albert Schweitzer

         

          Recently, I ruminated about Second Life (SL).  I had fallen into one of my introspective periods and blogged about community life inworld and some connections with Real Life (RL).  Prior to that, on the first anniversary of my blogging, I’d written about what people are doing in SL. 

But, what I haven’t written about so far are my friends and the meaning of friendship in SL.  (No, don’t worry, I’m neither going to prattle off a list of SL friends, yes, I have several, nor am I going to embarrass those whom I do have by calling them out.  Well, I will mention a few.)  Having been inworld for just over two years now and been blogging for over one, I have made friends.  (Much to the astonishment of Significant Other.) 

Writers, poets, philosophers, and countless others have argued and debated about friendship since the beginning of time.  I’m not about to hash through all that again.  I want to talk about friendship within SL.  Can we really have friends inworld?  How do we make and keep them?  Where do we meet them?  What do friends do inworld?  Why even have friends in SL? 

For me, my SL friends are people (Yes, real people with real feelings, not simply collections of computer code.) whom I’ve met in the course of my travels across the grid as I’ve written my blog.  These are folks with whom I share common interests or I enjoy their company.  (I’m assuming they enjoy mine.  Although, if they’re masochists from the BDSM community, they may have their own ulterior motives.) 

When I rezz inworld, I may IM them or they may IM me for a quick chat.  Some friends, we check in with each other more sporadically.  (A bad habit which I bring over from RL.)  I do what I do in RL.  Inquire about how they’re doing and chat about whatever our mutual interests may be.  Sometimes, I’m spurred by the thought that I haven’t checked in for a while so I make a point of reaching out if I see they’re inworld.  Other times, we meet for scheduled events, hunts, concerts, parties, or whatever it may be.  This is what I do in RL.  (OK, maybe I’m not the most exciting friend but I’m still a friend!) 

As I’ve written before, I take my friends as I find them in SL.  I don’t drive myself crazy trying to figure out if the RL person behind the avatar is really what they’re presenting themselves as.  For me, if someone goes to the trouble of preparing a backstory and an avatar as their SL face, far be it from me to challenge that. 

Also, for that matter, with rare exceptions, I deal with people in the context of SL.  I keep SL and RL apart as do the vast majority of my SL friends.  A few freely talk about RL and that’s fine with me too.  As in RL, I deal differently with different friends.  We all have our own separate needs which is what friendship is all about isn’t it? 

OK, so, I think I’ve made the point that I have friends in SL.  (Making friends in SL is tougher than in Facebook in my opinion.  You still have to go out and find people in SL.  With Facebook, you have a head start.)  How did I make them in the first place? 

I guess I make my friends in SL, the old fashioned way.  I go out and find them.  Being an explorer and a writer does help.  I go to new places and walk up to strangers and introduce myself and ask for an interview.  Most residents are agreeable.  Sometimes, I send requests for interviews to people whom I’ve learned about from other sources or whom I’ve been introduced to by others.  A few have made comments on my posts and I’ve followed up with them.  (Hope that doesn’t stop readers from commenting in the future.) 

Where do I meet my friends-to-be?  Chance encounters as I go walkabout on the grid.  Scheduled interviews with others at places of their choosing.  Scheduled events like the time I went to the nude baths in 1920’s Berlin.  (Which led to a whole new avenue of exploration inworld.)  The many hunts in SL have been meeting places for some of my oldest friends.  Then there are social clubs and just walking around my SL neighborhood, Nowaki.  By the way, weddings are a great way to meet new SL friends.    

What do I do with my friends inworld?  Pretty much the same as I do in RL except there’s no coffee.  We talk, complain about Linden Lab, debate politics, solve the world’s problems, and dance!  (OK, maybe I don’t do as much dancing in RL as I once did.) 

Then there’s a tougher question, why even have friends in SL?  First, even as avatars, we’re social animals.  Next, SL is a big, scary, and lonely place when you’re all by yourself.  (A reason, I feel, why many initial visitors don’t come back.)  Finally, we all need help sometime and we can all help others while we’re at it.  That’s what friends do for each other right? 

Yes, there are risks to friendship in SL.  Sometimes, friends disappear and we don’t know why.  One good friend of mine, Morsmordre Furman, hasn’t been inworld for some time and hasn’t replied to my queries.  I know she has health issues in RL and I’m concerned.  (If anyone knows about her and of her condition, I’d be grateful for an update.)  There’s conflict, and while I haven’t had the experience myself, I’ve heard of some real knockdown, drag out fights between people who once were good friends inworld.  Then there’s misrepresentation (in some people’s opinion) which I wrote of earlier.  Some have a hard time dealing with the RL person being very different from their avatar. 

Finally, where does friendship go in SL? For many of us, I believe, it stays inworld.  Friendships deepen and grow based on new experiences.  For some, SL friendships lead to RL friendships and relationships all the way up to marriage.  (I promise I’ll be writing about these couples soon.) 

SL friendships, or any virtual friendships for that matter, will, I believe, become a normal part of people’s lives as the Internet, virtual worlds, and social media continue to develop.  There will be a convergence if only because all trends tend to converge over time.  (Talk about sticking my neck out!)  In the future, we should be meeting with virtual friends just as we do with our RL friends.  Of course, some may argue that’s probably the last thing humanity needs.  Me, I’m not so sure.

I would like to thank all my SL friends who have invited me into their lives and made me feel at home and who have helped me in so many different ways.  Thanks to all of you!

I’m also grateful to everyone else, while not technically being “friends”, for their kindness and time in stopping to talk with a stranger who was passing through their lives. 

I’ve included pictures of a few of my friends below.  The list is not comprehensive and has some of my oldest and some of my newest.  They cover the breadth of SL that I’ve encountered so far.

I welcome feedback from readers, please either comment on my blog or e-mail me at webspelunker@gmail.com . 

     If you would like to read about my other adventures in Second Life please click here.

Photo No. 1 Morsmordre Furman

Photo No. 2 Perryn Peterson

Photo No. 3 Phideaux Mayo

Photo No. 4 Kaii Kironov

Photo No. 5 Glorf Bulmer

Photo No. 6 BrendonPatrick MacRory

Photo No. 7 Steve Decker