Visit to a BDSM Club

Night time is really the best time to work. All the ideas are there to be yours because everyone else is asleep.

Catherine O'Hara

Recently, I attended the opening party for a new BDSM club, Domus Dominari Pietas , in Second Life (SL).  I dropped by and had a fun time.  Unfortunately, everyone at the club was busy having a blast and I had to leave for another appointment so I didn’t have much time to talk with the owners about Domus.  However, knowing that my loyal readers (OK, I know there’s at least one of you out there.) would want to know more, I made arrangements to return and have an interview with one of the owners, kitten. 

I return to meet kitten at the club one evening for our interview.  We begin by talking about the Ds family which is behind the club.  Kitten tells me that there is a Real Life (RL) BDSM family behind Domus.  She is one of the newest members and proud of the duality between SL and RL.  For safety reasons, kitten cannot speak about the RL part of their community.  I respect their desire for privacy.  (This isn’t News of the World!)

kitten describes herself as a slavemissive, a term coined by a RL friend of hers.  She does not consider herself property, but feels she is deeper than a sub which is a fine line in between she adds.  Kitten is collared by Master Wey, also an owner of the club.  (She is also the owner of Infinity Photography inworld and I hope to do a story about that at another time.) 

I ask her why she came to the BDSM lifestyle inworld and she replies that she had suffered a loss five years ago which left her masterless.  She shut off her subside completely and came here to see if she could even find her again.  kitten says that she came back with grace. 

Note how kitten refers to her subside as “she”.  I’m learning that subs refer to themselves in almost as many ways as there are subs. When I mention this to her, kitten replies that there is no sub handbook, no cookie cutter form, each sub/slave/slavemissive gives what they and their masters are comfortable with.   kitten hopes each one is different in their own way

I next ask her what satisfaction does she derive in SL as opposed to RL?  Her answer is being with a family 24/7 in both SL and RL is a good platform for roles and rules for an SL/RL relationship.  However, if it’s SL only then at least one can fulfill the inner need to serve and pacify oneself till finding exactly what’s being looked for.

I ask if it’s about the emotional side when inworld.  kitten says that she can’t speak for others, but emotions are first for her. Once a master has the mind and heart, the body will follow.  I then query if there is a physical counterpart to what happens in SL?  She replies again that she can’t speak for others but for her, absolutely, there is.  I continue asking if it’s sexual and she says yes, of course.  Wishing to save this line of questioning for another blog, I turn our interview to a discussion of the club itself. 

I begin by inquiring about the reasons for establishing the club.  kitten explains that the family had been to a few other clubs in SL, some were amazing, others not so much.  They wanted a place comfortable for Ds BDSM lifestylers.  Just family and comfort as she puts it.  This led them to establishing Domus. 

At Domus there would be no judging, all would be welcome.  Master Wey makes the final decisions but all the family members are owners. The only rules are nor griefing, no drama, and everyone plays nice in the sandbox. 

In reply to my query about how well they have been doing, kitten says that they are nearing their one hundredth member.  She adds that they are in no hurry to build membership numbers but prefer quality to quantity.  People being happy is the most important thing for the club. 

kitten continues, explaining about the social life.  The club is still working on a set schedule.  Various events are planned for Saturdays.  Discussion groups for members will be implemented.  There is a Submissive Sisterhood group open to sub sisters for support and guidance and they typically organize club events. 

Besides the main hall which serves as receiving area and dance floor, the club has several other theme rooms which can be TP’d to.  These include the Kitty Room, Bondage Room, Love Grotto, Interrogation Room (I wonder if it would violate journalistic ethics if I were to use this room for my interviews?), Medical Room, Dungeon, and something called the Sin Box.  Then there’s a race track called the Sky Track and I’m still trying to figure out how this fits into the grand scheme of things.  Kitty confirms that these are frequented at all hours of the day. 

My last question to kitten is what would she like my readers to know about the club?

Kitten smiles when she replies.  She wants them to that RL or SL makes no difference when it comes to their desires. 

They can choose to be stifled or can open themselves up to experiences that can enrich their souls.  kitten and her family want to offer that comfort zone to experience new things, either to submit or to dominate.  She adds that people should just be who they’re comfortable being. She explains that’s why one’s “skin” is so important.  (SL residents will understand that analogy.) They have to be comfortable in their skins.

What is really my last question is whether Domus is open to people who are new to BDSM and curious?  kitten says of course they are.  This is why the Submissive Sisterhood group and soon Sub Brotherhood group is coming.  These are “no dom allowed” groups for peer to peer bouncing of ideas and problems.  New and interested people are welcome, and even if it’s not someone’s cup of tea, they are invited to join their gatherings and talks.

At this point, I thank kitten for her time and take my leave.  My visit with her has been interesting and given me some things to think about. First, the connection between RL and SL for this BDSM family and how SL is used as social media. I don’t think Facebook lends itself to what they do.  (I’d like to see a Dungeon in Facebook.)  Next, so far, most people whom I’ve met inworld who are in the BDSM lifestyle also appear to be involved with it to some degree in RL.  Although, I want to be careful of generalizations here.  Finally, the BDSM community inworld is large, diverse, and I haven’t even begun to touch all its facets. 

          I’ll continue my journey across the BDSM community for a while yet.  There are still many people and places I have yet to visit and bring their stories back. 

I want to thank kitten for her time and willingness to share her life with us.  I’m also grateful to Domus for their hospitality.  I would encourage all who are either involved in the BDSM community or who interested in it to check the club out. 

As always, I’m grateful to all for their kindness and time in stopping to talk with a stranger who was passing through their lives. 

I welcome feedback from readers, please either comment on my blog or e-mail me at webspelunker@gmail.com . 

     If you would like to read about my other adventures in Second Life please click here.

Photo No. 1: kitten I

Photo No. 2: kitten II

Photo No. 3: Domus Main Hall  

Still Among the Submissives!

There’s something very sexy about being submissive.  Because your guard is down, you have to totally surrender to something like that.

Eva Longoria

Last week I continued my journey in the BDSM community in Second Life (SL) by visiting some clubs inworld with a friend.  (Surprisingly, she’s still talking to me.)  Earlier blogs had me visiting with SL submissives, Flame Tearfall, and Anu Sands.  This week I visit with another sub, Akasha Sternberg.  (I know, I know, when am I going to interview a dom or a domme, or the ever elusive switch?  I’m working on it and will have some soon.)

I met Akasha a short while ago while making my way through the SL community in the Metaverse.  She’s been a regular reader of my blogs for a while.  We began talking and I learned that she was involved with the BDSM lifestyle inworld.  Initially, Akasha was reluctant to be quoted in an interview about BDSM because she is trying to establish herself as a model in SL and was concerned about the repercussions of being associated with BDSM.  Then, recently, she IM’d me and said that she had to be who she was and if anyone didn’t like it then tough. She agreed to do the interview.  (SL may be a virtual world but society’s pressures seem to be the same whether inworld or in Real Life (RL).)  We scheduled a time for the interview and I’m pleased to bring Akasha’s story to my readers in this blog. 

Akasha and I meet at her office at the Ataahua Oceanic Modeling Agency Headquarters.  It´s a fairly young agency and she’s one of the directors.  Rank has its privileges even in SL.  The offices are nicely appointed in an Asian motif.  (At least, I think it’s Asian.  Apologies if the designer had something else in mind.)  Akasha is dressed casually and sits on a cushion on the floor while I take a chair.  (No, I’m not trying to assert dominance, it’s just that I still have problems with sitting and furniture inworld.)  Akasha is OOC for this interview. 

We begin by speaking about her involvement with BDSM in SL.  Akasha explains she’s only slightly involved with the lifestyle inworld.  She’s had a few owners, was partnered to one but never went through any training, was a slave or “something”.  Her experiences have been more role playing based.

               Akasha’s SL profile indicates she is interested in being a switch and I next ask her about this.  She explains that basically, yes, though most recently she seems to turn more and more into a sub because she doesn’t have the slightest motivation in being the top. She received an offer the other day to be the top and it made her laugh because the thought was so off to her. Akasha has switched with her RL boyfriend in the past, or rather started as the Dom part but, she likes the sub-side better.  Even though she claims to be very “bratty” (her word not mine) and will never be a slave or even a doormat.  (I still have a lot to learn about the various degrees of submission.)  Laughing, Akasha adds that she does have her “dommy” moments though. 

I’m having a hard time classifying her.  (What’d you expect?  I’m a writer, everyone and everything has to fit neatly somewhere.)  I tell her that she seems to fall somewhere in the middle.  Akasha replies that those moments are rare and she feels more like a sub.  However, those "Masters" and "Doms" who expect every female to drop to their knees and call them Sir, eyes tilted to the floor - those trigger her dom-side. She’s dismissive of those who think they´re everybody´s walking dream ....and forget that submission is a gift that has to be deserved and earned.  This is not a woman to be trifled with I’m learning. 

My next question is whether BDSM for her in SL is just role play, or is there an emotional/sexual side.  Akasha says that it’s role play and of course it triggers emotions but it also gives her ideas - either for stories or things she´ll try out in RL or maybe even a blog entry (which wouldn´t be aimed at THAT (Akasha’s emphasis) particular situation) but it could become just an item that springs to her mind, an image, an emotion that triggers the idea of an outfit or an item or whatever.

I then ask her whether she came to BDSM in SL from RL or was it the other way around.  Akasha says actually BDSM was why she came back to SL after a three and a half year break.  She wanted to find new impulses, ideas and stuff to try in RL.  SL has become “muuuuuch” more for her though and while she hasn’t had any BDSM recently, it was the reason she came back and she wouldn´t want to leave it completely.

          We then turn to whether Akasha is now wearing a collar and has she worn one before.  She is wearing a collar and she has been officially collared three times.  Though, she is always a primary owner in both OpenCollar and Tokon.  She is very careful which rights she gives.  Usually she does have more rights than her owner but she does always have the same rights as her owner as a minimum. As of now she is not owned by anybody.  She is single in any form there could be (SL wise) and is owned by herself. Her personal group has access to her collar as long as she does not have anybody claiming her exclusively (Because she doesn´t do poly stuff or share.  Mine is mine, she adds), What she is wearing she wore because it was the necklace that matches best with her outfit. Akasha does have protectors that care about her and watch over her, they play but usually do not use the collar. RLV is deactivated and would only be active if she really felt like it and is with someone she trusts deeply.

I then ask the question that Akasha says she has been dreading, what is BDSM to her?  I mention that some subs talk of the freedom experienced.  I want to know her viewpoint. 

               To Akasha, BDSM is all about trust and she emphasizes this.  She says that she learns about herself, the human psychology, others, and it can be a stress relief. (Though she adds “We all know - don´t take your anger out on your sub...”). She has learned to accept her darker sides more, grow more confident and sometimes she adds, certain agreements (‘ten spanks if that and that isn´t done... or something’) can help her focus (so do "good girl spanks"). 

               I return to Akasha’s comment about her “darker sides” and ask about these. 

          She laughs as she replies that it’s how the majority of humans see them and how quite a lot see BDSM as screaming and whip cracking and whatnot  - not knowing there is much more to it. But of course, she continues, there are thinks like edge play (blood, fire, ice, knifes...) that can trigger things that could be considered dark.

I then ask her what are her favorite practices inworld.  She replies the good old bare bottom spanks (the oldies are always the best) and maybe a little blood play, mind games, sensoral deprivary, it´s the mix that counts for Akasha.

When she engages in these, is it all role play I continue with the questioning.  When she’s being spanked inworld, is she being spanked in RL?

Akasha replies no. Her RL boyfriend knows what she’s doing in SL and if he thinks I do too much he just claims her in RL. Other than that if he sees Akasha’s screen and sees her being spanked all he does is ask her “What the hell I did this time?”  She is laughing throughout this part of the interview.  (I have so much to learn here.) 

               I know our interview is drawing to an end as I hit my favorite questions about what the interviewee likes best and least inworld. In this case, I ask these of Akasha concerning BDSM.

         
               For what she likes, Akasha says that it is like a library but an interactive one with easy access to more and more knowledge.  Not all experiences one makes are good (her three owners turned out to be fails, same with the BDSM related clubs she’s gone to.) But, still she has found interesting things inworld.

                As for what Akasha doesn’t like about BDSM inworld, she speaks of people whining "if you´re taken in RL you cannot have someone in SL", "collarsluts" of both genders that just collect subs (many subs I meet talk of this type and usually not favorably) or get collared by collectors, those "Masters" and "Doms" she mentioned earlier, not paying attention to their looks or behavior but expecting subs to kneel because they are the Dom and the sub female.  These are the things that bother Akasha about BDSM in SL. 

This leads to my question about whether she encounters much sexism inworld.  Akasha says she does and adds that she can’t say she’s been innocent in that regard either.  She feels she is better with males in any world, life, situation so some of her views are misogynistic, but being the special illogical creature she is, she excludes herself and few well-chosen gals,  - as the exception to the rule so to speak.  (Please don’t write in and say I’m sexist, I’m taking Akasha’s comments here.)  I ask her if any of her owners have ever been dommes and Akasha replies in the negative and says that she would never submit to a female or role play with one. 

At this point, I thank Akasha and take my leave of her.  I’m still a little perplexed as to how to describe her.  She’s very much her own person and calls the shots in her relationships from what I can see.  Maybe Akasha said it best herself when she said, “I act up at times and talk back and whats (sic) not, but I´m the sub.  I call myself a bratty sub.”   

I’d like to thank Akasha Sternberg for taking the time to meet with me and to talk about her life in the SL BDSM community.  I’m especially grateful to her for how she opened herself up and talked about herself inworld.  For me, Akasha is another example of the SL resident who has a real life (not RL) inworld and is sensitive about the feelings of others and not just her own. 

As always, I’m grateful to all for their kindness and time in stopping to talk with a stranger who was passing through their lives. 

I welcome feedback from readers, please either comment on my blog or e-mail me at webspelunker@gmail.com . 

     If you would like to read about my other adventures in Second Life please click here.

Photo No. 1: Akasha Sternberg I

Photo No. 2: Akasha Sternberg II

Photo No. 3: Akasha Sternberg III

Back Among the Submissives

Thou art to me a delicious torment.

 Ralph Waldo Emerson

                                                                 

          As many of you know who have been following my recent story about a submissive in Second Life (SL) and a new BDSM club there I’ve been spending time with the BDSM community inworld. Why? This is what I do. I visit places and meet people and follow wherever the story takes me.  And, hopefully, my readers enjoy what I write about.  (I sure hope so, I’m certainly not doing this for the money!) 

During one of my exploratory trips I went to DAM BDSM/RLV Island inworld, a BDSM resort.  Here I met a young woman, Anuket Sands, who is on the staff there as a maid and submissive and who offered to help me understand the BDSM community in SL.  After a couple of preliminary meetings, we arranged an interview where I could ask more questions (and, hopefully, not wear out my welcome in the process) about what this new world, for me, is all about. 

A little background about Anu before we begin our interview.  She knows what she’s talking about.  She’s been a sub in Real Life (RL) for fourteen years.  Anu has had extensive BDSM experiences in both RL and SL as we’re about to see.  She’s had four owners, two in SL and two in RL, over her career and has been with multiple doms in both worlds. 

Anu presently owns her own collar and is without a dom or master.  She uses SL to fill in those times in her RL when she can’t participate in the BDSM lifestyle or to do things inworld that she can’t in RL due to either practicality or cost.  (As Anu suggests, try staying on a resort island in RL with your friends and see what it costs you.)

Anu and I meet on Bondage Island inworld where I have been doing more research.  (That sounds awful doesn’t it, but how else do I get to meet people and see what’s going on?)  Her avi is based on her RL body and stands about 5’ 1” and weighs about 110 lbs. Her shoulder length red hair is not that color in RL which apparently serves as a source of continual disappointment to her.  She is has a predilection for latex outfits.  (Most of which come from Graves , check this shop out if you’re in the market for such.  The quality is very good.) 

RLV is Anu’s viewer of choice and she has safeguards in place to ensure that she doesn’t lose control of herself.  (SL puts a whole new twist on the idea of “safe sex”.)

We begin to talk about BDSM and Anu’s views about it.  I must admit that I came to this discussion knowing very little and it turns out that the little I knew was wrong.  (Yeah, I know, I should be used to that by now.  Let’s not go there now.)  My first major fallacy was that BDSM was all about sexual pleasure, the giving and receiving of it.  Anu explains to me that while there is definitely that component, BDSM is not sexual or physical gratification but freedom.  She continues that this may sound contradictory, but that's what she gets out of it - the freedom to indulge in her desires and to subsume herself to the will and whim of another, to have freedom from all cares, doubts, and worries.

Anu expands on her position.  She says that it isn't about pleasure really, it is about freedom.  BDMS can be about pleasure, pain, and many other things, but mostly it is about power exchange, the freedom to trust and indulge, the freedom to...well, for a sub anyway...to give up control, to trust someone that much that you can give up choices and such...but experience the freedom from responsibility, the pleasure of “serving” someone and making him utterly happy with you.

This is new ground for me.  Anu describes the dom as the yang to her yin.  We turn to the practices that she prefers and her reply is that she likes is total power exchange, when she can get it, anal use, some humiliation (mostly verbal...name calling and such), bondage of course, latex, some pain.  However, she’s not strictly a masochist.  She doesn't “like” pain

but enduring it for a dom's pleasure turns her on.  That includes flogging, clamps, crops, and things like that.  Anu likes things rough and to feel physically dominated. 

          I next ask whether D/s is about being straight, bi, or gay matters or is it about the act itself.  Anu replies that it’s the act or the power exchange really. Her preference is for male doms over female dommes.  She has worked with the latter but prefers guys.  Anu has tried switching to the top but prefers the submissive role.    

          Anu talks about BDSM in SL and cautions me that SL is not always the best way to be introduced to the lifestyle.  She explains there are a lot of people here who play at it and this is all they know of it.  While it is satisfying, it is one step removed from the very raw emotions and intensity one gets doing this in RL.  It is that distinction that so often divides the online BDSM community between those who do it RL, or at least take it as seriously, and those that only dabble online.

          I ask Anu if BDSM in SL is an end in itself for her or is it a journey.  She replies it is the latter and one of self-discovery mostly, allowing herself greater freedom to express who she is and actually realizing how much she can achieve even through adversity. She has always tested herself like that in life.

          My next question is what will her next challenge be in SL?  Anu replies building things.  She says that doesn’t even know how to arrange furniture. (I can relate to that one. Some of my inworld friends claim that’s why I have no furniture in my home.)  Anu also hopes to teach classes on BSDM inworld in the future. 

          As we prepare to go our separate ways, I ask Anu for any final comments that she may have.  She replies that she has a fairly traditional view of BDSM as defined by the RL community, but I shouldn’t rely on just her.  There are a lot of different views and anybody who represents their way of BDSM as the "one true way" is full of “crap”. Anu learns by observing what people do and how they do it.  People getting involved in BDSM should realize they don't become a dom/me or sub by just be grabbing a whip or putting on a collar.  People have to take the time to learn about it and do it right. If they do there are serious rewards, if they don't, they'll probably just end up hurting people and get labeled a tool.  Even bad subs can hurt good dom/mes.

Anu also leaves me with the name of a good book, Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism, as a primer on BDSM.  I’ll check it out.  (Any trouble I get myself into after that is strictly my own fault.) 

I’m continuing to learn about the BDSM community in SL and its connections to RL.  There will be more visits and interviews in the future as I try to understand better its members and their lives inworld. 

I’d like to thank Anuket Sands for meeting with me at an ungodly early RL time for this interview.  I’m also grateful to her for her frank and intimate discussions of her BDSM life both in SL and in RL.  She has helped to understand better what BDSM is all about.  Although, I still have a long way to go.

As always, I’m grateful to all for their kindness and time in stopping to talk with a stranger who was passing through their lives. 

I welcome feedback from readers, please either comment on my blog or e-mail me at webspelunker@gmail.com . 

     If you would like to read about my other adventures in Second Life please click here.

Photo No. 1: Anu Sands – Portrait I

Photo No. 2: Anu Sands – Portrait II

Photo No. 3: Anu Sands – Portrait III  

New BDSM Club

The number one job of the dominant is to continually seduce consent from the bottom.

Joseph Bean 

                                                                

After my recent story about a submissive in Second Life (SL) I received an invitation to visit a new BDSM club inworld, Domus Dominari Pietas .  The invitation was from divadragon resident and I decided to drop by.  (Given what my social life is like inworld this wasn’t a difficult decision to make.) 

I arrive late at night to a dance floor in an old Gothic castle that would have done the Marquis de Sade proud.  I mingle with the other dancing guests and come away with more than a few ideas for stories in the future. 

The wardrobe for the guests varies across the BDSM spectrum.  I’m not sure yet but I’m beginning to believe that the closer one is to the top in BDSM circles, the more one covers up.  But this is only a theory of mine right now. 

Dominari caters to the D/s lifestyle and is owned and operated by a Real Life (RL) lifestyle family.  (Unlike my SL vampire friends whom I’m certain are not vampires in RL, I find many participants in SL BDSM also do so in RL.)  Facilities include a personals club and lounge, a vendors area catering to adult tastes, a 1/2 sim timed skytrack (I’m still trying to figure this one out), a comfort lounge for just hanging out with friends (voice/text optional), a hidden love grotto, Sin Box, dungeon, Zen room, bondage room, interrogation room, medical room, Dominari Connections - a place for singles to meet, a free movie theater and a formal ball room. Membership is free and allows full use of the facilities, Members and guests must be eighteen years or older and age verified to enter.

I will be interviewing divadragon , who is also the owner of Infinity Photography inworld, shortly for an more indepth look at Dominari and I plan on returning for additional visits to explore the various rooms and facilities further. 

 I had an enjoyable time at Dominari and appreciate the invitation to join them for their opening night festivities.  Even if you’re not practicing the BDSM lifestyle, I strongly encourage everyone to drop by, look around, and socialize.  Who knows?  You might like it! 

I’m learning that the BDSM community in SL is fairly large and diverse.  I’ll be visiting with them over the next several weeks and hope to bring back some different perspectives on the lifestyle inworld.  (That is, until they get tired of me and toss me out!) 

I’d like to thank divadragon resident for inviting me and talking with me during what was a very busy night for her.  I’m also grateful to all the other guests who made me feel welcome and who didn’t make fun of my dancing. 

As always, I’m grateful to all for their kindness and time in stopping to talk with a stranger who was passing through their lives. 

I welcome feedback from readers, please either comment on my blog or e-mail me at webspelunker@gmail.com . 

     If you would like to read about my other adventures in Second Life please click here.

Photo No. 1: Dominari Dance Floor

Photo No. 2: Dominari Bondage Room Entrance

Photo No. 3: Dominari Bondage Room Interior  

Among the Submissives

There’s something very sexy about being submissive.  Because your guard is down, you have to totally surrender to something like that.

Eva Longoria

This week, I’m writing about a subject a little different than my usual fare.  (Although, after my recent visit with nudists I’m not so sure I can say that anymore!)

My topic this week is BSDM in Second Life (SL) and is based on an interview with a member of the community inworld.  (I’m not going to try and expand the acronym, everyone seems to have their own definition.)  Prior to this meeting, I’d had no exposure in either Real Life or SL to this lifestyle.  Just reading the Wikipedia article on the subject showed me the breadth and depth of this topic, to say nothing of all the inworld clubs, groups, and locations that serve the followers. 

An inworld friend of mine, who is a dom in her spare time, recommended the novel The Story of O  as a starting point for beginning to understand BSDM.  A classic work of fiction in the genre, it was written nearly sixty years ago and has been something of a cause célèbre itself over the years (I won’t go into that story here but the link above will bring the curious to it.) and tells a story of a woman’s submission and domination at the hands of her lover.  Before my early twenty-first century friends assail me for being a misogynist, please remember that this book was written a long time ago in a different world but is part of the body of literature surrounding BSDM.  I’d like to point out too that, besides vampires, BSDM is probably the only community in SL with its own body of literature.  (I know someone is going to come after me for that one.)  And, yes, I have read the book. 

Anyway, back to the subject of this story.  The person whom I interviewed is Flame Tearfall.  I’d met Flame a short while ago as I began to reach out to my neighbors in Nowaki as part of my attempt to meet the folks I lived among inworld.  Learning from her profile of her interest in writing, I forwarded my blog’s link to her and we began meeting and talking.  Eventually, I broached the idea of a story to Flame and she readily agreed.  That’s what brought us to where we are now. 

Flame is a submissive inworld and had assumed the role of a slave.  She is no longer one and doesn’t expect to return to the role.  For this interview, she is out of character (OOC).  I ask what drew her to being a submissive. She replies that it was mostly curiosity.  Her role began as just being submissive but she did not feel truly connected to the environment.  She felt this way because her role as a submissive was too loosely defined.  As a submissive she was free to come and go as she pleased.  Being a slave meant loss of rights and less freedom.  No freedom may be a better way to put it. 

I next ask Flame if she ever tried switching, being the mistress and not the slave.  She laughs and says she has and her subs and slaves loved her but she didn’t find it fulfilling.  Flame says that she chooses to be a giver, one who gives or nurtures.  This seems to be the difference between top and bottom in BDSM.  Flame feels most people don’t know which they are and are afraid to find out. 

My next question is whether there is a distinction between SL and Real Life (RL) where BDSM is involved.  Flame replies that with some Masters, yes, there is, but with most, no.  She has what she calls a check list of red flags to look for when seeking a Master.

Her check list is as follows:

·       If someone submits to you because they fear you, then you are a bully not a Dominant.

·       If someone submits to you because you threaten to leave or abandon him or her if they refuse then you are a manipulator, not a Dominant.

·       If someone submits to you because you won’t leave him or her alone if they don't then you are a predator not a Dominant.

·       If someone submits to you because you will beat him or her if they don't then you are an abuser not a Dominant.

(Actually, these are pretty good rules for any relationship, whether in SL or RL.)

Flame believes that only a submissive can protect herself from an abusive relationship.  She has never seen BDSM conducted as role play inworld.  Before a collar is accepted from someone, the submissive and potential Dominant have extensive conversations about the “wills” and “will not’s”.  These are very real.  Flame has own of activities that she won’t participate in. 

When I ask about the use of devices such as St. Andrew’s Crosses, saddles, or saddles in inworld play, Flame replies she hasn’t seen these much in SL.  Some players engage in kennel play but she feels this is unbelievably humiliating and she’s unsure what it either accomplishes or is supposed to accomplish.  Flame adds that loyalty from a slave/submissive is everything.  I ask if any pleasure is derived from this for the submissives.  She replies who would continue to do something if no results were netted?  Good point.

We move on to talk about some of Flame’s past Masters.  Her first Master was a collector.  He assembled a group of submissives and was so busy with them that he was always at his computer taking catnaps to stay up.  He would regularly gather his subs together for what he called “sharing”.  They would talk about themselves and play games.  Apparently, truth or dare was a big hit.

Flame’s second Master was only involved with her in a closed relationship.

Our next topic is the BDSM scene in SL.  Flame says that it’s harsher than in IMVU, another virtual world, and she wouldn’t recommend it to a friend or family member.  But, for that, she says there are some great BDM clubs in SL.  Flame’s involved herself in the renovations at the Black Lions Den Club on Creek Island in SL.  She has no experience of BDSM in worlds other than SL and IMVU. 

I ask Flame about her future in SL.  She wants to focus on learning the trades in SL and maybe becoming involved in family life setting.  She doesn’t see herself continuing in BDSM inworld, at least not as slave.  Flame’s also giving thought to opening a home inworld for slaves/submissives who desire training and placement.

My last questions for Flame are what did she like most and least about being a slave in SL.  She enjoyed most knowing that it was OK to relax and give total control to another. What she liked least about being a slave was not having any rights and the uncertainty of the bond formed between Master and slave. 

Flame feels that, like everything, BDSM has its pro’s and con’s.  Role play would be the best way to explore it, leaving an out for one if needed.  Flame adds that for all her friends from SL and IMVU who have gone RL, they are always in her prayers. 

I thank Flame for her time and candor and we part company.

I have only learned a small part of what BDSM in SL is all about.  In the future, I hope to interview a Master or a dom and get their perspective.  Unlike other communities in SL, there are many blogs and other resources about inworld BDSM.  Inara Pey has a useful blog and Lex Berchot’s offers some additional perspectives.  I’ve also learned in my short time in SL that the Restrained Love Viewer (RLV) from Marine Kelley enhances the BDSM experience for residents.

This story has given me another perspective on community life in SL.  This one may parallel RL more than some others I’ve encountered but that’s what makes SL so interesting – all the differences. 

I’d like to thank Flame Tearfall for stopping what she was doing and making time for an interview.  I appreciate her time and frankness.

As always, I’m grateful to all for their kindness and time in stopping to talk with a stranger who was passing through their lives. 

I welcome feedback from readers, please either comment on my blog or e-mail me at webspelunker@gmail.com . 

     If you would like to read about my other adventures in Second Life please click here.

Photo No. 1: Flame Tearfall

Photo No. 2: Black Lions Den Club

Photo No. 3: BDSM Shop